Deprivation for Safety's Sake

I've been thinking about this. I have seen clients, friends and family deprive their loved ones, including themselves, of little joys in the name of safety. Lately, I have been extrapolating this concept to the wider socio-political sphere, but for today I want to focus in just on the more individualized practice- and I then invite you to do your own extrapolation.

Several years ago, there was a birthday party for my Dad. I think he was turning 80. Dad had a condition called cerebral amyloid angiopathy, in which amyloid proteins build up in the walls of the arteries in the brain. This causes the blood vessels to weaken, which can result in stroke or cerebral hemorrhaging. To simplify, I would explain to people that Dad had experienced two major strokes, and that he had little "brain bleeds" on a regular basis, which contributed to progressive memory and mobility loss. Alcohol was not encouraged.

My father was never a big drinker. Occasionally he'd go out dancing with friends and imbibe a couple Captain & Cokes. When I was young and my parents had parties at the house, I recall vaguely that he might have a bottle of beer next to him as he played guitar and sang with the guys- but it might be a cup of coffee. He was a coffee guy- as was his whole immediate family. An afternoon or evening visit always included coffee.

One of my dad's good friends came to the birthday party. My mom was also there. The friend, who was one of Dad's dancing partners, offered him a Captain & Coke. My mother freaked out and would not allow it. Presumably, one drink could kill my father.

Several of my friends have survived cancer and have resorted to eliminating foods they loved from their diets- permanently- and have even introduced foods they are not so fond of into their diets, in hopes this will prevent the cancer from returning.

I have clients whose friends and family members frown upon them walking alone outside or going skiing on their own, or insist someone bring them meals regularly because the food they enjoy going out to eat is not deemed nutritious enough. One old friend, whom I joked would always be 50 years my senior until the day he died, sat at the head of the table every late afternoon and drank a Coors Light while friends, neighbors and family gathered around after school or work or whatever weekend sporting event to chat about the day. Then he was placed in assisted living, and people had to sneak Coors Light in to him because the family did not think it appropriate for him to continue to have that one beer a day.

Gee, I don't know. A person could get hurt or even die. I don't wish to judge anyone who has a fear of losing a loved one or seeing that loved one in a hospital bed. But we can't insure it will or will not happen regardless.

I am biased, I admit. I have always balked at being told what not to do because I might get hurt. My mother's fear (remember the one birthday Captain & Coke?) of any of us kids being hurt was overpowering. She held the reins of permission very tightly while we were growing up. When I finished 7th grade, I was invited to a small end of the school year party hosted by a friend on the lake. There were 4 or 5 of us, all girls the same age. As my mom backed toward the car after dropping me off, she called out, "Don't let Lisa go in over her waist." That's right. I never learned to swim until my late teens, and that was out of necessity- or I should say vanity, I suppose. I'd gone to the lake with a boyfriend, and he and a bunch of other friends wanted us all to swim out to the dock. I floundered my way out there, scared I'd drown along the way, and then pulled myself up onto the dock feeling proud. I don't think anyone noticed my flailing dog paddle.

So, I know I may err on the side of least caution, but I am also a huge fan of the old adage about moderation. I think in moderation, like one Captain & Coke at a birthday party, a Coors Light in the afternoon, those hash browns that used to taste so good, a walk around the block on a sunny day, or the same day on the slopes, these items and activities feed the soul as well as the body. And from a shamanic perspective, denying them to someone is taking away a little soul part every time. Every single time.

If I get to the point I cannot enjoy the foods and beverages I enjoy now, or engage in the activities that make me happy, I will begin to make other choices in my life, until there are no more choices to make to live freely and with pleasure. And if I become incapacitated and cannot make choices for myself, I trust my littlest brother and my best friend to make those choices for me- because they know me and what I need to feel alive.

I will take little pleasures over safety any day. Because safety is not insured. And I do not want to be controlled by anyone who has my "best interests" in mind but does not know or respect my "actual interests." I will not personally deny myself the right to live a life that is worth living, and I will not suffer someone else making me live it otherwise.

Food- and a beverage- for thought.